


Colourful

by nimini_ninoni



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Almost Deaths, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Hospitals, Lots of it, M/M, Tender Feelings, like a few times, pls prepare some tissues, their roles are small though, two bros sitting in a tree, uh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 06:10:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16867594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimini_ninoni/pseuds/nimini_ninoni
Summary: “How does it feel, to feel nothing at all?” Evan mused aloud. Connor turned to look at him, listening to the dry grass rustle beneath them. It wasn’t as if Evan was foreign to the feeling, he was all too familiar with it. Still, he wanted to hear it from someone other than himself.“It feels…”And suddenly, the world was spinning all around him.





	Colourful

**Author's Note:**

> Please have a listen to mxmtoon's 'Temporary Nothing' before, during or even after reading!   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYcm3EeyF84

“How does it feel, to feel nothing at all?” Evan mused aloud. Connor turned to look at him, listening to the dry grass rustle beneath them. It wasn’t as if Evan was foreign to the feeling, he was all too familiar with it. Still, he wanted to hear it from someone other than himself.    
  
“It feels…” Connor trailed off, and it was Evan’s turn to look over. Their eyes met. Connor would never forget just how foresty green Evan’s eyes were. They swirled with muted excitement. His smile was sad. A hard line between gentle lips. Evan was so many things at once, it made Connor excited to discover every little bit about him. 

 

Connor sits up, golden light shining upon his face, the wind blowing through his wavy locks. 

“It...feels…” he whispers this time.

* * *

 

And suddenly, the world was spinning all around him. All too fast soft yellows and oranges dipping into greys and blacks. His pulse is thundering under him. He’s yelling something. A name.  _ Evan’s name.  _

He’s reaching out trying to grab onto something solid but all his fingers are met with is air. He tumbles down, down, cuts and scrapes across his clothing but he doesn’t care. He hits the forest floor, landing on his arm. The pain sears through his entire body but  _ Evan. Where is Evan?  _

 

He looks around frantically unable to speak or call out or even think with this pounding in his head and in his heart.  _ Where was Evan???  _

 

The leaves were rustling now in the night and it was far too quiet for Connor’s liking but he wasn’t going to just leave Evan in the forest. He was probably just as scared as he was having a panic attack and sobbing quietly somewhere. The thought of him like that made him so worried. He couldn’t lose Evan.    
  
Okay.

Stop.

Think, breathe. Connor took a deep breath. Two. More until he calmed down just enough to figure out what to do next. Light. He needed light. He prayed to god that his phone was still working after that long crash from the tree. His screen was cracked beyond repair but miraculously, still responded to his touches. He flicked the button for ‘flashlight’ and started shining around.    
Right, one problem solved. Think some more.    
They just fell out of a tall tree. His right arm was hurting like crazy which means Evan’s probably hurt as well. But it was dead silent tonight. 

A growing dread filled Connor’s stomach. He knew, but god, he wished he didn’t.    
He turned around and there  _ he  _ was, laying on the ground as stiff as a plank. 

_ No. Nonononono.  _ It couldn’t be true it just couldn’t be. Connor crashed to his knees, dropping his phone as he tried to shake Evan awake with his good hand.    
Nothing. Just Connor and the rustling leaves. 

_ What kind of sick fucking joke is this??? _

 

* * *

Connor had never once used the speed dial button on his phone, but this time he was beyond glad it was there. He pressed the one button and he waited. 

Zoe picked up in two rings sounding worried already. 

“It’s an emergency Zoe I don’t know what to do, Evan’s-” 

“I’m calling 911.”

 

Connor never had an answer to what might be Evan’s last question. He sat unmoving in the hard plastic hospital bench. It was cold but Connor felt like he was going to freeze to death. 

 

_ Grey _ he thought. Feeling nothing at all felt  _ grey.  _

Connor felt someone put a gentle hand on his. Normally he’d swat it away, but he was too deep in his thoughts to really care this time. 

 

This was a different kind of feeling nothing. Connor was used to feeling higher than a cloud. Used to feeling nothing in his mind or his heart. Used to the pain in his brain and on his arm. Used to all this  _ black.  _ But this  _ grey?  _ This  _ monotone? _ How could he even begin to describe it…

 

* * *

It was a cold autumn morning when Connor found that note in the computer lab. Describing his anger like a pot that had boiled over was a severe underestimation. No, he was a grenade about to explode. 

 

“You wrote all this creepy shit about my sister so that I would find it” he said, feeling his anger bubble. Hansen said something to defend himself but he couldn’t hear it. “You printed it here so I could find it” his voice rose. “So that EVERYONE would think I’m CRAZY!” he yelled at the top of his lungs, and then stormed out of the lab, balling up the paper in his fist. 

Of course, everyone just thinks he’s a crazy freak. Everyone’s just waiting and waiting for him to shoot up the school. Fuck. Them. Fuck this school. He was absolutely  _ done.  _ Can’t hurt anyone if you just off yourself first right--

 

“WAIT!” Hansen was in front of him, a full head shorter and blocking his path. 

“Move, Hansen” he panted, unaware of the breath he’d been holding. He could feel his anger subside and every other gross feeling welling up. This really wasn’t a good time. 

“I d-didn’t want to make you feel bad” he said, already twiddling his thumbs. “I-It’s just my assignment f-for my t-therapist! Really! I’m not making this stuff up I swear and I didn’t know you were in the lab I-I was just minding my own business and I didn’t i-intentionally want you to feel...bad…” Hansen trailed off. 

 

Connor couldn’t be mad. He knew what it was like to be so anxious you didn’t know how words worked. He knew almost too well what Evan Hansen was going through at this point. The bad things were growing now. He needed to leave. Now. 

 

Connor ducked his head and ran for the nearest exit, out of the fluorescent lights and into the sun. He ran and ran until he was panting. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he realized how much of a dick he’d been to everyone around him.  _ Fuck.  _ He always hated when this happened. Soon he found his car and locked himself in, feeling fortunate that the parking lot was mostly empty. He sobbed quietly to himself. Of course he knew how much of a horrible person he was. A disappointing son, a creepy loner who was high all the time. The world didn’t need a waste of space like him around. It really would be better to just...disappear…

 

BANG! BANG!

 

Connor jolted from his thoughts for the second time within an hour to see none other than Evan Hansen staring at him through his car window. He sighed, rolling it down and wiping his tears away. 

“What” he said. 

“I...Um…” he stuttered. Even when Hansen was the one initiating conversation, he still couldn’t follow through. What a loser, but Connor still waited patiently. 

“I need...m-my assignment” he stammered out. Oh. Right. Connor unfurled his arms, the piece of paper beyond repair. They both stared at the tragedy that was Evan’s assignment. 

Still, Connor tried his best to straighten it out into a little less crumpled up paper. He handed it over to Evan who looked like he was about to cry. 

“We...I mean you could always print out a new one?” Connor suggested. 

“T-The file...It’s already closed” Evan said, sadly. 

“Didn’t save?”

“No” he shook his head sadly. And now he was actually crying. 

Well bad feelings be damned. Connor stepped out of his car and slammed both his hands at the side of Evan’s cheeks. He made a squeak but didn’t struggle out of Connor’s rough grasp. Evan’s cheeks were so warm and red and damp. 

“I’ll help you” Connor said. “With your stupid fucking assignment or whatever” he quickly added at the end. Evan nodded as best he could and Connor let go. 

The both of them walked quietly to the computer labs and assignment 2.0 went by pretty smoothly. They both smiled a little at their printed work, satisfied at what they could come up with in 20 minutes. Evan checked the time at the corner of the computer screen and he gasped. “I’m gonna be late!” he exclaimed, his mind already racing. 

“Well then hurry up!” Connor said, already swinging his bag over his shoulder. Evan followed suit, stuffing his assignment into his bag.  _ What was the point of that if it’s just gonna get crumpled again… _

Connor shook that thought out of his head and took Evan’s hand in his. “I’ll drive you” he said while running both of them into his car. “Where to?” he asked, hands already on the steering wheel. Evan stuttered out the address of his therapist’s office, and off they went. Connor totally unaware of the redness growing on Evan’s face and pushing down his own. 

 

* * *

Connor couldn’t hear the “He’ll be fine”s and “We’re praying for him”s. He couldn’t feel his mother stroking the back of his hand and his sister rubbing his back. Couldn’t hear Zoe through her sobs. His eyes were dry, probably bloodshot, but he wouldn’t lose focus of the door in front of him.

* * *

 

“You sure do write a lot” Connor said as he shuffled through all the “Dear Evan Hansen” notes. Evan, sweating wildly, nodded in response. “Do they help though?” 

“Ah...You see...Well they...Um…” Evan scratched the back of his head. “Kind of?” Connor raised an eyebrow. “No, not really no” Evan finally admitted with a shy smile. Connor returned a smile of his own. 

“Some of this shit’s really dark” Connor said while flipping the page. “ _ Do you ever wonder what it’s like to feel nothing at all? _ ” Connor read that one aloud, and Evan tensed up. 

“M-My therapist said that’s the worst one” Evan admitted. “He said it was dangerous to think like that.” 

“Well then he’s a shit therapist” Connor said, flatly. Evan wanted to retort, but deep down he knew that it was true. He was still on pills, still anxious, therapy should’ve done something by now, right? 

“Do you know what it feels like though?” Connor turned to him. His expression was deadpanned and he let his hair fall over his left eye but inside he actually  _ was _ curious about the answer. 

“W-Well…” Evan said. “I-It’s kinda like someone put a thick glass wall around you? Like you can see everyone you love and care about banging on the glass demanding to be let into your glass room but...but…” Evan looked down at his mattress. Connor crept a little closer, abandoning the letters in their original shoebox. “But…” he took a deep shaky breath and Connor’s hand flew to his back rubbing circles. 

“You don’t have to continue” Connor offered. “We could watch Netflix or something instead” he said, already kicking the shoebox under the bed. Evan nodded. “Yeah. Yeah I’d like that” he said, brightening up just a little. 

 

Connor made his way to the door, cracking it open when he heard a small voice. “Um…” 

“...Yes?” Connor replied, smoother and softer than anything else he’d ever uttered. He couldn’t even believe it came from him for a moment there. Evan’s face reddened a little. 

“Have you...ever...um…” Connor didn’t need Evan to finish that sentence. He already knew. 

“I know what it feels like” he said, leaning against the door frame. “Not that I can describe it as well as you can, but the feeling’s all the same, I think” he offered. Evan seemed content with that answer and Connor really didn’t want to bring the mood down further than it already was. 

“C’mon, Netflix awaits” he said as he left the room. Evan trailed behind him. 

 

* * *

It takes everything Connor has to stay still and let the doctor do his work. They wrapped his arm up, putting a cast and a splint on it. 

“You’ll be all healed up in a month” the doctor said.

_ But what about Evan?  _ His mind raced at a hundred thoughts per second and as soon as the doctor secured the bandage around the cast Connor was sprinting to the doors of the ICU. 

 

The ‘emergency’ light above the door was still illuminated. Evan was still in there, fighting or...giving up. 

 

God he hoped to hell Evan was fighting bravely in there. 

 

* * *

_ Connor…? _

The voice was so distant, and Connor felt so cold. 

_ Connor? _

There it was again, the very last thing he would hear in all this fog. The water’s surface looked beautiful from underneath. Sunlight peeking through as the water and ice bits shifted above. 

_ CONNOR! _

The voice got even louder this time. And then again, and again. Connor felt so disoriented between the cold and the biting pain on his skin and in his lungs. 

Is this what dying felt like? He could just let himself sink now, and everything would be alright…

 

And then something happened.  

 

He felt himself being hauled out off the freezing depths and onto the ice. Felt himself being strapped to something, felt pressure on his arms and legs and his neck and sweet oxygen being forced into his system. He coughed violently forcing water out every way it could. 

_ It’s gonna be okay _ he kept hearing between sobs. 

“Ev…?”he said weakly. There was just a twinge of warmth pressed against the back of his hand. 

“Stay with me” he heard. “Please.”

But everything was getting so bright and so dizzyingly noisy…

 

* * *

Connor pinched the bridge of his nose and rubbed at his eyes. How long had it even been? 

“Connor…” his mother was so soft. “Honey, you should rest” she said, placing her hand on Connor’s casted one. But her son was rooted in his chair. His mother sighed, draping her scarf around his shoulders and sitting quietly beside him. 

“Your friend was just like this too when you almost...um, that day” she whispered. It didn’t look like he was listening, but his mother continued anyway. “Evan was so worried for you, he wouldn’t move or drink something or sleep” she rambled. The thought of Evan once being in this position makes Connor sick to his stomach. He was probably on the verge of a panic attack until they wheeled Connor’s mostly unmoving body out and announced that he was gonna live. He let out a shuddering breath. 

“I’ve never seen you care about someone so much” his mother peeped. 

“Yeah…” he said. 

“Yeah.” 

 

* * *

Evan had fallen asleep by Connor’s bedside. His head thumped horribly and the scent of rubbing alcohol was making it worse. He looked at Evan softly snoring away and tried to suppress a chuckle. He even had some dried drool trailing down his chin. Connor lifted his hand and flexed his fingers. One, two, three, four, five, all creaking as he bent his joints. Gingerly, he put his index finger to Evan’s chin and wiped off what he could. Evan stirred in his sleep and his green eyes fluttered open. “Hey” he said groggily. 

Connor chuckled at that. “Hey.”

“HEY!” Evan shot up like a bullet. “H-hey” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“I think we’re past the ‘heys’” Connor said, smiling softly. Evan laughed nervously, but it faltered quickly. 

“Connor…” he whispered. Evan was visibly trying to hold back sobs as he muttered Connor’s name over and over again. 

“Shh…” Connor hushed him, trying to reach beyond all the tubes to hold Evan. “I’m still here.” Evan reached his arms out to pull Connor into a tight embrace. He was still sobbing and sniffling but also sighing in relief. 

“I t-thought…” he sniffed. “I thought I...I was gonna lose you” Evan stammered out. Connor never even knew his heart could feel pain like this. Like someone had stabbed him all the way from his back through his ribcage. He held Evan even tighter. 

“I’m here” he managed out. “I’m real, and I’m really here” he said, trying not to start crying himself. 

“I-I’m so-sorry” Evan said. “I’m so sorry Connor I-I’m--”

“Shh..” Connor rubbed circles into Evan’s back, hoping it would soothe him, but Evan just kept trying to get more words out. He sat up to face Connor and took shaky breaths.

“I-If I hadn’t suggested going ice skating today the ice wouldn’t have cracked under you you wouldn’t be in this hospital room you’d be fine and okay and warm in the house drinking hot cocoa. Instead I had to go ahead and open my big mouth to say how much of a nice day it is to go out and have fun and skate and it got you hurt a-and and and…” Evan kept rambling and Connor didn’t have any idea how to make it stop but he knew if Evan kept it up he was going to ramble himself into a panic attack. 

There was only one solution in Connor’s mind, and god damn did he really want to do it. But was it the best solution? What about the consequences? 

_ To hell with the consequences  _ he thought, shutting his mind off. 

Connor leaned in, taking Evan’s lips upon his mid-ramble. He could feel Evan’s face heat up but at least he stopped talking. He wanted to stay like that forever, a sweet chaste kiss while the world froze around them. He sneaked his fingers in between Evans, who gingerly accepted them. 

Slowly, Connor moved away breathless, leaving Evan red faced and just as breathless. 

“H-How’s that for a first kiss?” Connor said, looking away.  _ What the fuck have I done.  _

“Nice” Evan said, just above a whisper. “Really nice” he looked up to meet Connor’s shocked blue eyes. Connor didn’t know what to say, so he just let his lips curl into a soft smile. Evan reached up to cradle Connor’s cheek in his rough, damp palm. Normally he’s be sweating even more and freaking out, but Connor pressed Evan’s hand closer with his own, leaning into the touch. He wouldn’t let Evan freak out or panic again no matter what. 

He closed his eyes, soaking in the present moment of soft sunlight shifting through the sheer blinds, cool air in contrast with Evan’s warm hand, and soft lips coming once more to meet his. 

 

* * *

The doors slammed open. Connor shot up from his seat just in time to see a badly banged up Evan being wheeled hurriedly away. He wanted to chase after it but someone grabbed his shoulder and spun him around.

Connor groaned loudly. He didn’t have time for this shit. He swatted the hand off his shoulder and went after group of nurses, brisk walking past patients and hallways until they finally settled Evan into a room, hooking up his tubes to IVs and other medical shit. Connor wanted to be at his side right now but figured he’d probably make things worse. He opted for standing by the door frame and spinning his fidget ring instead. 

“Connor!” came Zoe’s voice this time. He spared her a glance and then quickly shot his focus back at Evan, as if he would disappear if he didn’t keep staring at him. 

“Connor” his sister panted, putting a hand on his shoulder. He jolted at the touch but tried his best not to jump. Connor waited with baited breath. 

“Evan’s gonna be okay!”

* * *

  
Connor wasn’t exactly sure when his fidget ring had migrated from his middle finger to Evan’s index finger, but he was sure Evan needed it more than him anyways. Besides, this just gave him more chances to hold Evan’s sweaty hand and to see his face grow red and his smile grow wider. 

“The view from up here…” Evan sighed dreamily. The sky was coloured in red and orange hues as the sun set before them. Connor took in a big lungful of spring air and swung his legs from the branch he was sitting on. He reached over the thick trunk to brush his fingers on Evan’s, who lightly reciprocated the touch. 

“Hey…” Evan said softly. Connor looked over at his sort-of-but-not-quite boyfriend. 

“Yess…?” he said in a soft, sultry voice. 

“I, um, I…” Evan started stuttering and twiddling his thumbs again while Connor waited patiently. He had gotten used to all of Evan’s little tics by now, even started to find some of them cute. Evan took in a sharp breath and steeled himself. “Ireallydoloveyou” he spat out. 

Connor looked at him stunned for a moment, was this really all he had to say? He chuckled to himself. 

“Yeah, I really love you too” he replied, staring into those forest green eyes. They looked kinda...sad? “Are you still thinking about...the thing?”

“T-The thing?” 

“Those things you said in the field, about feeling nothing.” 

Evan cast his glance downwards. “I-I don’t think I’ll e-ever st-stop thinking....” he mumbled more to himself, but Connor caught every word. 

“Hey…” he reached over wanting to stroke Evan’s cheek but he was too far away. “It’s alright, you’re here now.”

But Evan just shook his head. “I’m sorry” he said, leaning backwards. “I’m so so sorry.”

“What are you talking about?” Connor reached out even further, but Evan slipped off the branch and fell away faster than the light slipped from the horizon. 

“Evan!” he shouted, but the teenager was plummeting like a rock through the branches. 

_ No.  _

 

* * *

“...Con…?” the voice was barely audible, but it was the best fucking thing Connor had heard in the last 24 hours. He didn’t know when he dozed off, but he jolted awake and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. 

_ You’re alive  _ he’d wanted to say.  _ You’re here and I’m here and you’re so fucking alive.  _

But instead all that came out was “you scared the living fuck out of me you asshole.” 

Evan laughed dryly and looked sheepish. 

“Don’t pull that kinda fucked up shit ever again” Connor said. He should stop, he really wanted to but the words kept pouring. “You nearly gave me a heart attack! I mean, what were you even thinking? That you aren’t good enough? That the world and everyone in it is better off without you? That you could just leave me after saying you  _ loved  _ me??” that last one hurt the most for both of them. 

“I’ve just been f-feeling so...so…” Evan whispered. 

“So nothing?” Connor finished, his voice cracked in the middle of the word. Evan felt too ashamed to even nod. Connor slid back to Evan’s bedside, cradling his sweaty broken hand in his own crushed fingers. It was only then that he realized Evan was shaking. 

“Let’s...go to therapy. Together” he said, looking at Evan. 

“Y-You don’t have to-”

“I want to” his gaze was fierce. “I want to feel everything with you, let  _ you  _ feel everything I’m feeling” he squeezed Evan’s hand. “No more glass walls, no more grey, no more  _ nothing.”  _

 

Evan felt his breath caught in his throat as Connor gazed intently at him. He brought Evan’s bruised knuckles to his lips and kissed them gently. 

“I will never give up on you” he said, pressing his forehead to them. “Never, Evan Hansen.” 

“N-Never?” Evan was frozen in spot but that’s okay because he wouldn’t have chosen any other moment to be frozen in time. 

Connor shook his head. “Ever.” 

 

Spring breeze fluttered through the window, bringing with it the smell of freshly bloomed flowers and morning dew. Spring brought new beginnings, new chances, a new opportunity with Connor.

Evan nodded his head and he smiled. For the first time in such a long time, he held hope in his heart for better tomorrows. 

For the first time, instead of looking at his world like everything was grey and monotonous, he could see everything in colourful pastels. 

For the first time, he could smile, maybe even for forever as long as Connor stayed by his side. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Confession 1: Evan was supposed to die in this fic but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.   
> Confession 2: I've always somehow related more to Connor even though we see very little of him in the musical. 
> 
> Also hey I'm BACK to writing fic after forever! I've currently dumped myself into DEH and BMC so maybe I'll do a short boyf riends fic next?? I dunno??   
> It was really fun getting back into writing this~ I feel like it's been so long since I've put my keyboard through so much abuse. Also it's about 2am now and I'm so tired so I apologize if there are any inconsistencies and stuff! 
> 
> Thank you all so much for your support <3


End file.
